It has been too long since I have updated you.  I would like to say I have been busy (which I have), but mainly it is my self- pity, avoidance behaviour that has kept me from writing this post; one that I have dreaded for weeks.

I will not be racing Primal Quest 2009.

Since I was here last, I have travelled to Belgrade, Serbia for work and timed a personal best on the 10K (54:12) while also training hard with my weighted pack on steep hills.  Upon my arrival back to Amsterdam, I jumped a flight to Geneva, Switzerland in order to compete in the Solomon Endurance Mountain Cross in Chamonix, France; a race that challenged my physical endurance under sleep deprived conditions.

None of that really seems to matter much compared to the challenge I faced when I returned- evaluation of my separated left AC joint by my physiotherapist.  This is what I have been busting my butt for since the accident in April.  All of the work that I have done three days a week in organised physio, plus the additional conditioning work I have been doing was leading up to this moment where I would get the hard, statistical numbers to back up my efforts.

I arrived early for my appointment on the Tuesday after my trip to France.  I did my requisite ten minutes on the Concept 2 rowing machine to warm up.  The look on the face of my physiotherapist, Richard, said it was time.  I chatted nervously with Richard.  He has been my guide through this rehab process, so he knew exactly what this meant to me.  I made idle chit-chat as he strapped me into the machine that was to evaluate my left shoulder for strength and range of motion.  It resembled a medieval torture device more than a therapeutic tool, but then again I think most of them do.

The long and short of it is this: if you were to think that my uninjured right arm represents 100% (strength and range of motion), then comparatively my left arm is only 66%.  That means that after 8 weeks of intense physical therapy, I am still not close enough to the 80-85% that I needed to race.  I could tell the look on Richards face as he interpreted the results.  The furrowed brow, the pursed lips and the look of pity told me everything that I had feared since I began this journey.  I would not be racing.  I have not found the words over the course of the past two weeks that adequately describes how I felt at that moment.

The next greatest challenge was telling my team.  I must say that I have been very fortunate that my team captain Kim Dunkin is not only my leader, but also my dearest friend.  I just didn’t know how to tell her, especially through the challenge of the time difference between here and there.  I just knew that if you were to add my will, desire, and an extraordinarily svelte right pinkie finger, by the law of averages I was still 110%.  I also know what it takes to do this race after years of watching the level of anguish, determination, and will power each competitor cycles through.  I knew that I could not risk the safety and success of my team for my own selfishness.  After all, this is a team sport.

So where does that put the outcome of the Quest for PQ- the Dream of Major Bull Project?  The goal was to do Primal Quest for my fortieth birthday and as far as I can remember, I get to be forty for a whole year, right?  That should give me that much more time to prepare for the next instalment of Primal Quest.  Until then, my heart is with my team, my thoughts go out to the volunteers who have sacrificed their own time and efforts for this sport, and my prayers go out to all the race staff, directors, and such for another epic and successful event.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 9:12 am and is filed under Primal Quest, Todd Phillips. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.